SHINee's Jonghyun passing away

At first I wasn't going to make a blog about this, because I felt that it didn't visibly affect me that much. I was wrong.

For those of you who don't know what happened or who he was, I'll tell you briefly.

Jonghyun was a member of kpop group SHINee. And yesterday 18th of December around 6pm KST he committed suicide.

I saw the news almost as soon as I woke up and I didn't want to believe them. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to accept it. I still don't. The news said different things. I wasn't sure of anything except that he tried to kill himself. The rest of it I couldn't get through. It was too much. It shadowed my day. I wanted to wait for the official statement from SM Entertainment. I wanted to be sure.

While I was waiting for the statement, my mind was all over the place. I didn't know what to feel or what to think. How do you deal with one of your favourite idols passing away? No one was there to tell me that. And when it's by suicide, because of depression which affects my life too. How do I deal with that?
It's hard to describe that feeling. My thoughts went everywhere. They were a mess. I felt so broken and sad. But at the same time I felt nothing. I was completely numb and my head was empty. I just existed. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't because my depression has taken away all of my feelings. Instead I just felt my heart shattering but I couldn't help it.

I didn't know that much about Jonghyun as a person, but I loved SHINee as a group. Based on the videos I have watched he was a bright personality and a good and caring person. I'm sad that I didn't have a chance to get to know him better before this, but I will learn more about him even after this. Even though I didn't know that much about him, the pain is unbelievable, because it's about everyone else too. And I get what he was going through which hurts me even more.

The statement came about 6 hours after I read the news. It was confirmed. He really did pass away, but I was still in denial. I couldn't accept that it happened. That he didn't survive. It kept bothering me. But I still didn't cry. I still didn't know how to process it. I'm not sure how I feel even now while writing this. It's still too much to handle. I went to sleep last night trying not to think about it. I thought I could deal with it later when I knew better how to process it. But it didn't quite work like that.
I woke up at 3am and I tried to go back to sleep. I tried and I tried, but my mind kept wandering. Wandering to Jonghyun. I couldn't sleep. I tried for a long time but eventually I took my phone and thought that maybe I can distract myself. I opened Facebook. Not because I wanted to scroll my feed but because I had notifications.
I wasn't supposed to read anything, but it was right there when I opened Facebook. An article saying that Jonghyun's will was released to public. The will being a letter he had given to his friend before his death. This is the translation.

This letter is what triggered me. I started crying. I was alone in my room crying my eyes out. And I felt so sorry for him. Sorry that he had to go through this. To suffer from this. I started thinking about it. I slowly started to process it and I still am. But that letter was the thing that made me realize. This is real. He is not coming back. He is never coming back. 

I cried silently in my room for at least 2 hours straight. I was in pain. I didn't want to accept it.

Jonghyun left a letter and told his reasons and I want to do the same to him. This is my letter. 

Dear Jonghyun,

Your decision hurt me a lot and other people too. But I want you to know that I don't blame you. I understand. I understand why you decided to take this way out. I understand your pain and your struggles. I wish someone would have noticed your pain earlier. I'm sorry that you had to live in a society where people don't understand mental health and don't take it as seriously as they should. I'm sorry that you were so deep that you didn't see any other solution than to stop breathing. I wish that you would have seen another way but I don't judge or blame you. You made the decision that felt best for you. You did well, you really did. You worked hard and you got this far despite the darkness. I'm proud of you. You may feel like you lost yourself to depression, but you didn't. You were still that same bright and loving person even in your last days. And that means something. I will remember you like that. And so will many others. You will be remembered and your pain won't go unnoticed. With love, Mari

Winter photos or something

I'm not exactly sure what to write about right now, because it's been very boring. Not that that would come as a surprise to anyone. So instead of something relevant and smart, take these pretty winter pictures that have everything and nothing to do with winter and Christmas.

You can also have this photo of Shakira, because she looks gorgeous.😍

That's it for this (irrelevant) post. See you later. (better if not, because I don't like people)

Christmas stress (is real)

For me Christmas is the happiest time of the year. Christmas is more than the official celebration days. It lasts longer than that, because you have to prepare it beforehand. And even though I enjoy Christmas preparations, I get stressed. There is just so much to do. For a depressed person it might be a little overwhelming at times. And this year Christmas totally snuck up on me. I didn't see it coming. There are literally 14 days left to get everything done. That's not a lot you know. List would propably be really helpful, but I don't do lists. I wing it. That's how I deal with everything, which is propably why basicly nothing really works as well as it could. Not that I would worry about anything even though everything kinda goes just like what.

You know what's the funniest part. When you like to do things, but you are not good at them. That's me with Christmas. I have no idea how to cook. I can kinda decorate the house, but there's this thing that it usually requires cleaning, which I'm totally not good at. I recently learned the art of packing gifts, but I'm still kinda slow. I also love to get Christmas presents, but I'm just hopeless. My brain doesn't understand that working is kinda crucial when you are trying to come up with ideas. In the end the only thing going on in my mind is CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE. (not helpful) Then comes the stress and you sit there like what the hell am I gonna do.

THE STRESS IS REAL!

Guaranteed way how to skip school and not get blamed for it

Here is a quick tip if you feel like you just really don't want to go to school, but you need a great excuse.

First step: Get depressed. (society sucks so this should be pretty easy)

Second step: Fuck your life up and wait for depression symptoms.

Third step: Realize that you now have the symptoms, for example tiredness and sleeping problems (these are the key to this tip).

Last step: Go to bed, set your alarm and wait for the sleep to come. Since you can't sleep well anymore, you are going to stay awake for several hours and when you finally fall asleep, you won't wake up to your alarm. Then you wake up too late to go to school anymore and you can just text your teacher blaming your sleeping problems. They can't get angry and you just succesfully skipped school. Congratulations.

So I hope you enjoy this small tip. If any of you doubt whether this works or not, it does. I can assure you that this is 100% gonna work. I speak from experience.

Project Get Your Shit Together: first update

I assume that when a person gets depressed everything just kinda falls apart. At least that's what happened to me. How does that show exactly? Well for example my room looks like someone tried to blow it up. I have stuff everywhere. On the floor. On every single table that I own. On my bed. I propably have more of my clothes around the house than actually in my closet. (oops)
I look like someone tried to blow me up too (someone propably would if it wasn't illegal, because I'm annoying af). I use the same clothes all the time, because I don't have energy to wear anything else. I can't remember the last time I put on make up or any accessories. I don't take care of my personal hygiene as well anymore, because to me, if you ask me to take a shower, it sounds like you just asked me to run a freaking marathon while carrying a person on my back.
What else? My school grades are dropping, because I don't have the energy to study(don't lie, you are just watching Youtube when you are supposed to study)(okay yes, but not really). I rarely leave the house, because that sounds like a lot of work and usually means that I have to be around other human beings. (I hate people, but I love being with people, ironic, isn't it)

But because you can't get better if you just let your whole life fall apart, I have decided to start project Get Your Shit Together. What does it mean? It means exactly what it says. I'm getting my shit together. I'm gonna clean my room and get it done. I'm gonna make daily routines. I'm gonna take care of myself. I'm gonna be more active. So in a nutshell: routines, variety of activities going all the way from cooking to exercise to arts and just actual actions to get better.

I already started today. I got my book shelf organized.

While organizing it, I noticed that I have some books twice (TT), which literally just tells everything about me as a person. (Just like that bad joke that I just had to put in the middle of the sentence😂)
This is the point where I would facepalm myself if I didn't know from experience that it hurts. (I will propably do it anyways tbh) 

Let's talk about my depression YAY

So I'm back again. Am I getting on your nerves yet? Just kidding. Okay, but in all seriousness I'm here to talk about depression. I'm totally qualified to talk about it, because I'm an expert. What makes me an expert then? I'm going through it myself, I know people who are suffering from it and I have read a lot about it. So let's get started.

For those of you who aren't familiar with depression, I will tell you about it shortly.
Depression is a mental illness that causes feelings of sadness and makes you lose your interest towards everything and everyone. It also makes you feel numb and propably suicidal. You will likely suffer from a bunch of other symptoms. Sounds like a blast doesn't it.
Depression is individual. It's different for everyone. Even though there are so many people suffering from depression, you won't find two people sharing the exact same story.

What is my story then? What is depression to me? What does it make me go through? What is my depression like?
Let me tell you starting from the beginning.

My first touch with depression was even before I got depressed myself. I knew people who were depressed. I even had friends who were depressed, but I never thought that I would once be one of those people myself. But here I am, killing it (not really).

But how did I get depressed? Well the thing is that in a way I did it to myself, which really sucks, but shit happens. If you are now like "What the heck are you saying, it's not like you can just decide that you are depressed", just calm your tits and let me explain. I didn't literally make myself depressed, but my depression is a consequence of choices that I made few years ago.
What exactly are the choices then? I had this friend group, but they started to change. By change I mean that they started to act older than we actually were at the time. I bet you know what that means. Goodbye childhood and hello smoking and drinking and hanging out with a lot of people who are usually older than you. Yes, that happened; they were social and they grew up too fast. I didn't and I was the only one if you don't count the lonely ones who didn't have a life to begin with. Those lonely ones are usually quiet and actually like to be alone (sounds a lot like people suffering from depression, oh the irony) so they weren't exactly my people either.
I made a decision. I decided to ditch that friend group and be on my own instead. I chose a different path. I chose myself. And that decision cost me my mental health, which is really fucked up, but I don't regret it. So that's when I slowly fell into a hole (if yall don't get my Teen Wolf reference then I don't know you).

I was 14 when I got depressed. I met with the school psychologist for a few months and I guess it kinda helped. Then during the summer break I got new friends and I thought I was better. I went on believing that I was okay until one day almost year later I went to see the school nurse. It took one question for me to realize that I wasn't okay. She asked me "How have you been?" and I realized that I was missing something. Something important. But I couldn't quite grasp it. That's kinda where it really started.

I saw my school nurse for the rest of the school year and after that I got sent to a youth outpatient clinic where I saw a psychologist for little over a year. Two months ago I got sent to a different clinic to be diagnosed for long-standing treatment. My final meeting there was earlier this week and they decided to sent me to a different clinic that offers treatment for a longer period of time, but the waiting time there is more than a month so I'm kinda in between for a while. Thankfully I can see my high school nurse in the meantime. So that's it about my treatment. Let's get to the interesting part.

My depression has two main periods. The other period causes me to feel numb. I'm like a zombie that doesn't care about anything. The other period causes me to feel sad and literally cry at everything and anything. Fun story: I have cried more than once, because we had wrong cheese. I have also cried while watching music videos, because I thought that the people in them were so gorgeous. It would be too easy to just suffer from these two periods (three actually, because I'm a woman hehe) so I also have sleeping problems, eating problems, bad thoughts, constant worry and bunch of other stuff.

My life is hard. It's fucked up and it's difficult, but I'm trying. My depression is something that I'm not good at describing. I think every depressed person can relate to that. We can't tell you how we feel, because we don't know either. I can just say that I feel like shit. That's how I feel. Or not even that. I don't feel anything. I feel like I want to sleep 3 years straight so I wouldn't have to wake up every day to spend time doing nothing and feeling like nothing.

I guess that's enough of this subject for now. I promise I will talk about something more positive next time.

I know what I did this Friday

At first I thought that I came up with something funny for the title of this post, but on the second thought, it just kinda sounds like I have a drinking problem (which I do, but with soda, remember), but I was able to control myself today and for once I didn't pass out.

Moving on...
I was supposed to make a serious blog today (yes, I actually planned this, WOW), but it got postponed, because I got distracted so I'm just gonna tell you what I did today instead.

Before I get to the point (what am I saying, there is no point), it's freaking December. Did you notice that? I bet you didn't. Let's take a moment of hype for December, because why not. You have no idea, what I'm saying, right. Not to worry, I shall enlighten you. December means snow, snow means it's going to be pretty, pretty means that it's going to be a great Christmas, Christmas means that you get to spend time with people you love, people means that you have victims to torture (NOT literally, I mean torture by making them play board games and listen to your annoying af laugh for an entire week in a row), torture means that moment when you have the entire table full of food and on top of that desserts and chocolate and all, but you gotta watch your curves and have to decide to eat reasonably (not that it would apply to me, because I have no chill and I bet, that I gain 5 kilos just during Christmas). So in conclusion Christmas means people, a lot of good food, presents and (hopefully) nice weather.

On to my pointless explanation of my activities. YAY!
First I had a meeting considering my future therapy, but I'll tell more about that in the next blog, because it's related to that. After that very stressful (and boring) meeting I went for lunch. And being the healthy person I am, I went to eat pizza (it was delicious if I might add). Because the pizza alone wasn't healthy enough, I bought 20 mini doughnuts for dessert. (They weren't all for me, what do you think I am.)
The main thing about today was actually snow. (Even though my mom insisted that it wasn't snow, but it was in fact slush.) There was a lot of snow today and it was really pretty.

I dare you to disagree. And if you don't get to enjoy the beauty of snow then I'm sorry.
I had this need, that I just had to go out today and play with snow so I called my friend Ella to save the day. This is her.

Great picture I know. Ella rushed over (not really, she was even late, that bastard) to save my day and take me out. I convinced her to make snow angels with me. They turned out amazing.

Then we had a snowfight, which ended on a mutual loss. After that our artistic side took over and we had a photo shoot. Watch out for the most unprofessional photo shoot ever. Here it comes.

First up we have Ella and her lovely butt, because why freaking not.

That is followed by me making (FAKING) this acrobatic move. Impressive.

Then we just had fun with it, because a) snow, b) it was pretty and c) we are hilarious.

This concludes my post about my surprisingly not shitty day. I'm half asleep so sleep well, because I propably won't, but it would be nice if at least one of us did. I'm out.