Feelings, art and Instagram

I have been feeling really down for the past days and I don't know why. I also feel like the crying period is about to start. I don't feel as numb anymore but I just feel like something is pulling me down and I cry for no reason. I feel so guilty because I was already doing better and now I can't see the light anymore. I didn't even want to get out of the bed today. I forced myself up anyway but today has been hell. I feel like my mind is the darkest it has ever been.
It's even harder to just live since I feel like no one understands what I'm going through and how I feel. Can you imagine being in this world without even one person understanding your feelings? Can you imagine what that feels like? It feels like I speak a language no one understands. It feels like I speak Chinese to people who speak Arabic back to me. It feels like I don't belong here but then again I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I recently got acrylics and I decided to try them out today even though it required some superhuman strength from me. I had a vision of what I wanted to paint when I started but I didn't know how I wanted to achieve it. My painting represents the depression and loneliness shadowing the happy things in my life. My life with mental illness feels like I'm trying to hold onto the happiness but I'm slowly falling. I really wanted that to show in the painting.

I also want to put my instagram here, because I post there quite often about my life. I also try to post as openly and diversely as I can because I don't want to show only the good things in my social media like everyone else does. So follow @mari_lindroos in case you want to see more of me and my life.