SHINee's Jonghyun passing away

At first I wasn't going to make a blog about this, because I felt that it didn't visibly affect me that much. I was wrong.

For those of you who don't know what happened or who he was, I'll tell you briefly.

Jonghyun was a member of kpop group SHINee. And yesterday 18th of December around 6pm KST he committed suicide.

I saw the news almost as soon as I woke up and I didn't want to believe them. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to accept it. I still don't. The news said different things. I wasn't sure of anything except that he tried to kill himself. The rest of it I couldn't get through. It was too much. It shadowed my day. I wanted to wait for the official statement from SM Entertainment. I wanted to be sure.

While I was waiting for the statement, my mind was all over the place. I didn't know what to feel or what to think. How do you deal with one of your favourite idols passing away? No one was there to tell me that. And when it's by suicide, because of depression which affects my life too. How do I deal with that?
It's hard to describe that feeling. My thoughts went everywhere. They were a mess. I felt so broken and sad. But at the same time I felt nothing. I was completely numb and my head was empty. I just existed. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't because my depression has taken away all of my feelings. Instead I just felt my heart shattering but I couldn't help it.

I didn't know that much about Jonghyun as a person, but I loved SHINee as a group. Based on the videos I have watched he was a bright personality and a good and caring person. I'm sad that I didn't have a chance to get to know him better before this, but I will learn more about him even after this. Even though I didn't know that much about him, the pain is unbelievable, because it's about everyone else too. And I get what he was going through which hurts me even more.

The statement came about 6 hours after I read the news. It was confirmed. He really did pass away, but I was still in denial. I couldn't accept that it happened. That he didn't survive. It kept bothering me. But I still didn't cry. I still didn't know how to process it. I'm not sure how I feel even now while writing this. It's still too much to handle. I went to sleep last night trying not to think about it. I thought I could deal with it later when I knew better how to process it. But it didn't quite work like that.
I woke up at 3am and I tried to go back to sleep. I tried and I tried, but my mind kept wandering. Wandering to Jonghyun. I couldn't sleep. I tried for a long time but eventually I took my phone and thought that maybe I can distract myself. I opened Facebook. Not because I wanted to scroll my feed but because I had notifications.
I wasn't supposed to read anything, but it was right there when I opened Facebook. An article saying that Jonghyun's will was released to public. The will being a letter he had given to his friend before his death. This is the translation.

This letter is what triggered me. I started crying. I was alone in my room crying my eyes out. And I felt so sorry for him. Sorry that he had to go through this. To suffer from this. I started thinking about it. I slowly started to process it and I still am. But that letter was the thing that made me realize. This is real. He is not coming back. He is never coming back. 

I cried silently in my room for at least 2 hours straight. I was in pain. I didn't want to accept it.

Jonghyun left a letter and told his reasons and I want to do the same to him. This is my letter. 

Dear Jonghyun,

Your decision hurt me a lot and other people too. But I want you to know that I don't blame you. I understand. I understand why you decided to take this way out. I understand your pain and your struggles. I wish someone would have noticed your pain earlier. I'm sorry that you had to live in a society where people don't understand mental health and don't take it as seriously as they should. I'm sorry that you were so deep that you didn't see any other solution than to stop breathing. I wish that you would have seen another way but I don't judge or blame you. You made the decision that felt best for you. You did well, you really did. You worked hard and you got this far despite the darkness. I'm proud of you. You may feel like you lost yourself to depression, but you didn't. You were still that same bright and loving person even in your last days. And that means something. I will remember you like that. And so will many others. You will be remembered and your pain won't go unnoticed. With love, Mari