Let's talk about my depression YAY

So I'm back again. Am I getting on your nerves yet? Just kidding. Okay, but in all seriousness I'm here to talk about depression. I'm totally qualified to talk about it, because I'm an expert. What makes me an expert then? I'm going through it myself, I know people who are suffering from it and I have read a lot about it. So let's get started.

For those of you who aren't familiar with depression, I will tell you about it shortly.
Depression is a mental illness that causes feelings of sadness and makes you lose your interest towards everything and everyone. It also makes you feel numb and propably suicidal. You will likely suffer from a bunch of other symptoms. Sounds like a blast doesn't it.
Depression is individual. It's different for everyone. Even though there are so many people suffering from depression, you won't find two people sharing the exact same story.

What is my story then? What is depression to me? What does it make me go through? What is my depression like?
Let me tell you starting from the beginning.

My first touch with depression was even before I got depressed myself. I knew people who were depressed. I even had friends who were depressed, but I never thought that I would once be one of those people myself. But here I am, killing it (not really).

But how did I get depressed? Well the thing is that in a way I did it to myself, which really sucks, but shit happens. If you are now like "What the heck are you saying, it's not like you can just decide that you are depressed", just calm your tits and let me explain. I didn't literally make myself depressed, but my depression is a consequence of choices that I made few years ago.
What exactly are the choices then? I had this friend group, but they started to change. By change I mean that they started to act older than we actually were at the time. I bet you know what that means. Goodbye childhood and hello smoking and drinking and hanging out with a lot of people who are usually older than you. Yes, that happened; they were social and they grew up too fast. I didn't and I was the only one if you don't count the lonely ones who didn't have a life to begin with. Those lonely ones are usually quiet and actually like to be alone (sounds a lot like people suffering from depression, oh the irony) so they weren't exactly my people either.
I made a decision. I decided to ditch that friend group and be on my own instead. I chose a different path. I chose myself. And that decision cost me my mental health, which is really fucked up, but I don't regret it. So that's when I slowly fell into a hole (if yall don't get my Teen Wolf reference then I don't know you).

I was 14 when I got depressed. I met with the school psychologist for a few months and I guess it kinda helped. Then during the summer break I got new friends and I thought I was better. I went on believing that I was okay until one day almost year later I went to see the school nurse. It took one question for me to realize that I wasn't okay. She asked me "How have you been?" and I realized that I was missing something. Something important. But I couldn't quite grasp it. That's kinda where it really started.

I saw my school nurse for the rest of the school year and after that I got sent to a youth outpatient clinic where I saw a psychologist for little over a year. Two months ago I got sent to a different clinic to be diagnosed for long-standing treatment. My final meeting there was earlier this week and they decided to sent me to a different clinic that offers treatment for a longer period of time, but the waiting time there is more than a month so I'm kinda in between for a while. Thankfully I can see my high school nurse in the meantime. So that's it about my treatment. Let's get to the interesting part.

My depression has two main periods. The other period causes me to feel numb. I'm like a zombie that doesn't care about anything. The other period causes me to feel sad and literally cry at everything and anything. Fun story: I have cried more than once, because we had wrong cheese. I have also cried while watching music videos, because I thought that the people in them were so gorgeous. It would be too easy to just suffer from these two periods (three actually, because I'm a woman hehe) so I also have sleeping problems, eating problems, bad thoughts, constant worry and bunch of other stuff.

My life is hard. It's fucked up and it's difficult, but I'm trying. My depression is something that I'm not good at describing. I think every depressed person can relate to that. We can't tell you how we feel, because we don't know either. I can just say that I feel like shit. That's how I feel. Or not even that. I don't feel anything. I feel like I want to sleep 3 years straight so I wouldn't have to wake up every day to spend time doing nothing and feeling like nothing.

I guess that's enough of this subject for now. I promise I will talk about something more positive next time.