It's been over a month since I wrote here last time. It wasn't really planned or intentional, I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing much actually. There have been good things too. I went to a concert, I have seen my friends a lot and I have laughed a lot. Overall I still feel the same. Like it isn't enough. There is this persistent feeling of emptiness that I can't fill.
I have started to question myself. Can I really do this? Am I strong enough or will I fail either way? Would it be easier to give up now than at the point where I run out of strength? Have I perhaps ran out of strength already? These are the questions going on in my head. I'm even questioning my future. Is it really possible for me to return back to school? Will I live the rest of my life with this emptiness? How long do my friends hold on to me before they just let go? Do I even have a future if I'm like this?
Recently I have been watching a lot of dramas, because I want to escape my own life. I'm living in these dramas to get back the feelings I have lost in my own life. Even like this, I know that it won't fix anything. I can't get my life back by living in someone else's life. But I don't see any other way. What is there for me in my life? Misery? Pain? Joy? Or nothing? I don't know but I don't want to find out. Why should I? Why can't I just run away from it for as long as I can even if it didn't change anything? Is it really worth looking back?
I'm doubting everyone in my life. I have learned to love myself in a way that I couldn't before but that doesn't erase the problem. So what if I love myself if no one else does. That's how I feel like. Like nobody will ever be able to love and accept me. Even if it's said to me, I don't believe it. They must be lying. How could they possibly love me when no one else ever has? They have to be like everyone else in my past. They don't really care. I was born to be lonely. That's how it has to be. That's how it is.
I wasn't made for this life. I'm not strong enough for it. I'm weak...
You aren't weak for sure, I see you as a tough girl, and obviously you are karate kid, hahaha
ReplyDeleteRemember Dec 2017, a warrior died trying to fight, but he lived gracefully, he loved all his friends, and was always happy to see his friends, he just never opened up , he thought that no one will understand , but it isn't , there always have been people who would have, get above the fear
There are people who need a friend, who think low of themselves, but they aren't, who feel numb, but its just because no one understood them, and instead of making people to sit and listen to them , they thought they are better alone,
Warriors are those who fought the darkness of life, and still are like you
Live for people need you, live for others, for Ella, for that school nurse, for snow angels, for chocolate, for kpop,
^^
well i dont know what to say but what i understand is that you are not sociable u know you just have the same friend and talk with same people but if you are sociable and you start making other friend and start hangout with them you will get back all those feeling that you lost
ReplyDeleteyou should live your life like there is no tomorrow
what i understand too from what you wrote like you are regreting for something you done in the past but what is in the past is in the past
i hope you understand what i meant :) ;)