It's been over a month since I wrote here last time. It wasn't really planned or intentional, I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing much actually. There have been good things too. I went to a concert, I have seen my friends a lot and I have laughed a lot. Overall I still feel the same. Like it isn't enough. There is this persistent feeling of emptiness that I can't fill.
I have started to question myself. Can I really do this? Am I strong enough or will I fail either way? Would it be easier to give up now than at the point where I run out of strength? Have I perhaps ran out of strength already? These are the questions going on in my head. I'm even questioning my future. Is it really possible for me to return back to school? Will I live the rest of my life with this emptiness? How long do my friends hold on to me before they just let go? Do I even have a future if I'm like this?
Recently I have been watching a lot of dramas, because I want to escape my own life. I'm living in these dramas to get back the feelings I have lost in my own life. Even like this, I know that it won't fix anything. I can't get my life back by living in someone else's life. But I don't see any other way. What is there for me in my life? Misery? Pain? Joy? Or nothing? I don't know but I don't want to find out. Why should I? Why can't I just run away from it for as long as I can even if it didn't change anything? Is it really worth looking back?
I'm doubting everyone in my life. I have learned to love myself in a way that I couldn't before but that doesn't erase the problem. So what if I love myself if no one else does. That's how I feel like. Like nobody will ever be able to love and accept me. Even if it's said to me, I don't believe it. They must be lying. How could they possibly love me when no one else ever has? They have to be like everyone else in my past. They don't really care. I was born to be lonely. That's how it has to be. That's how it is.
I wasn't made for this life. I'm not strong enough for it. I'm weak...
