What's about to come

I have an intensive outpatient period coming that lasts for two weeks. It starts next Monday and it lasts everyday from 8.30 till 15.00. Fridays are free so it's only 4+4 days. There are max. 6 patients at the same time and everyone gets assigned their own nurse. The idea of the period is to focus on a certain goal that the patient wants to achieve with the help of the group and a variety of professionals such as a psychologist and a youth councelor.
During the day there is a group session, a private meeting with your assigned nurse, communal activity and also free time to spend as you like. The entire period is planned together with the patients and the activities can range all the way from playing games to working with emotions.

I am extremely anxious about the period since I have no idea how it's gonna go and social situations are my biggest nightmare. It's very hard for me to see myself going to an unknown place full of unknown health care workers and teens going through similar things that I suffer from.
I look forward to go there, because I truly believe that it's gonna help me but I'm still terrified. This is one of the biggest challenges that I have had to face and the period hasn't even started yet. I just need to prep myself as well as I can and just hope that I won't pass out at the door.

The rock bottom and a ray of sunshine

I hit the rock bottom again. I already knew it when I posted my last blog. I felt it coming. This feeling is unexplainable. It's a persistent feeling mixed with numbness and sadness. The feeling of being empty but at the same time being full of guilt and worry. This feeling takes all my energy. It is paralyzing me. It makes me wish for all of this to end. I can try to explain this feeling but I can't describe it because even I can't quite grasp it.

I can usually pick myself up after few days but this time I just can't do it. It's been a week already but my mood isn't getting any better. I'm still here. At the bottom of this dark, deep void. But there is a ray of sunshine. My friends. They are trying their best to cheer me up. I got a new friend too. It's something that I didn't think I was capable doing. Meeting new people. Talking to them. Getting to know them. But I can. I can do it. I hope I can do it in the future too.

There is no cure for this. No magic pills, no trick, no loophole. Only way up from the rock bottom is climbing. It takes time. It requires help. Sometimes even that won't do it. Sometimes it lasts longer and sometimes it's easier to get up. Right now I just know that this isn't going to be easy but I can't quit or I will fall right back down. I wish I knew if this is as hard for other people going through the same as I am.

Feelings, art and Instagram

I have been feeling really down for the past days and I don't know why. I also feel like the crying period is about to start. I don't feel as numb anymore but I just feel like something is pulling me down and I cry for no reason. I feel so guilty because I was already doing better and now I can't see the light anymore. I didn't even want to get out of the bed today. I forced myself up anyway but today has been hell. I feel like my mind is the darkest it has ever been.
It's even harder to just live since I feel like no one understands what I'm going through and how I feel. Can you imagine being in this world without even one person understanding your feelings? Can you imagine what that feels like? It feels like I speak a language no one understands. It feels like I speak Chinese to people who speak Arabic back to me. It feels like I don't belong here but then again I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I recently got acrylics and I decided to try them out today even though it required some superhuman strength from me. I had a vision of what I wanted to paint when I started but I didn't know how I wanted to achieve it. My painting represents the depression and loneliness shadowing the happy things in my life. My life with mental illness feels like I'm trying to hold onto the happiness but I'm slowly falling. I really wanted that to show in the painting.

I also want to put my instagram here, because I post there quite often about my life. I also try to post as openly and diversely as I can because I don't want to show only the good things in my social media like everyone else does. So follow @mari_lindroos in case you want to see more of me and my life. 

Project Get Your Shit Together: second update

It has been some time since I posted the first part of this. Mainly because I haven't really done anything useful. Until now. I finally got my furniture placed so I can start to organize my room. For the past few days I have been going through my stuff and thrown away things that I don't need and so on. (About time.)

Anyways, here are some photos of the still ongoing process. 

 

About my daily routine. It's still evolving, but I have some sort of regularity in my days already. Most importantly I have started to do things instead of just laying in my bed and watching TV. I have been drawing, cleaning, cooking and the list goes on. I'm actually getting somewhere. Slowly, but surely. 

And what comes to my feelings and such. I'm okay. Tired because I still don't sleep well but okay. I'm trying my best. I have been seeing my new psychologist and she seems nice so far. It's going to be fine.