I want to make something clear first.
Not because I have heard of it or because I expect people to think this way but because I feel the need to say this.
Some might have noticed that I haven't wrote my blog that actively and I want to explain why.
Keep in mind when you are reading my blog that you are reading the blog of a depressed person. This blog is something that I really want to do but it is also something that I won't force myself to do if I don't feel like doing it. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and that's why this hasn't been the first thing on my mind. I'm sure you'll understand. That brings us to the news.
Not because I have heard of it or because I expect people to think this way but because I feel the need to say this.
Some might have noticed that I haven't wrote my blog that actively and I want to explain why.
Keep in mind when you are reading my blog that you are reading the blog of a depressed person. This blog is something that I really want to do but it is also something that I won't force myself to do if I don't feel like doing it. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and that's why this hasn't been the first thing on my mind. I'm sure you'll understand. That brings us to the news.
I recently decided to drop out of school. Not for good but I just need a break. I thought about this decision for a long time because it scared the crap out of me. It still does.
It took so much courage to admit to myself that I can't do what school requires me to. It's too much for me in this condition. High school has been surviving for me. Something, that I must get through no matter how shitty or exhausted I feel. It has been all about getting through my courses. I have never before been happy to get 6 in an exam. And I don't want to be, because I know I can do better than that. I don't want to survive. I want to blossom. That's why I needed to do this. No matter how scary it was.No matter how hard it was.
You might be wondering what I'm gonna do now that school is not an option. The answer: I have no idea. I know that I have to focus on my health. Focus on getting better. I have thoughts about that, but I still don't know the whole picture. I need to create a daily routine for myself. The question is what it is going to include. I need to fill my days with things that I love, things that are gonna challenge me and things that are gonna boost my recovery. The goal is right in front of me, I just have to make my way there. It's gonna take a lot of work but I'll get there slowly.
It took so much courage to admit to myself that I can't do what school requires me to. It's too much for me in this condition. High school has been surviving for me. Something, that I must get through no matter how shitty or exhausted I feel. It has been all about getting through my courses. I have never before been happy to get 6 in an exam. And I don't want to be, because I know I can do better than that. I don't want to survive. I want to blossom. That's why I needed to do this. No matter how scary it was.No matter how hard it was.
You might be wondering what I'm gonna do now that school is not an option. The answer: I have no idea. I know that I have to focus on my health. Focus on getting better. I have thoughts about that, but I still don't know the whole picture. I need to create a daily routine for myself. The question is what it is going to include. I need to fill my days with things that I love, things that are gonna challenge me and things that are gonna boost my recovery. The goal is right in front of me, I just have to make my way there. It's gonna take a lot of work but I'll get there slowly.
Another thing is that I have been feeling really down. Or not quite down but rather lonely. Empty. And that feeling of loneliness is so persistent. Even if I spend time with my friends it never leaves.
I haven't told anyone because I don't know how. How are you supposed to tell your friends that no matter how much fun you have with them, it's just not enough? It's something that I have to live with. Something that I can't control. I still can't tell about it because it hurts. It hurts my friends but it hurts me more because I don't want to cause that pain to my friends.
I haven't told anyone because I don't know how. How are you supposed to tell your friends that no matter how much fun you have with them, it's just not enough? It's something that I have to live with. Something that I can't control. I still can't tell about it because it hurts. It hurts my friends but it hurts me more because I don't want to cause that pain to my friends.
One good news is that I finally got to the clinic that is intended for long-term care. I have been without any professional care except for medication for months and I'm honestly really glad that I finally got there. The waiting lists between clinics are a bitch but what can I do about it except just try to handle everything while waiting. The new clinic scares the heck out of me because obviously new clinic means new people, new things, new challenges and who knows what else. Despite that, I will do my best because I didn't wait so long for nothing.
I don't think that I have more news to share this time. At least I can't think of anything. I might get into some subjects more specificly in another post but for now these were the main things to share.
So for the song recommendation.
I found this song quite recently and I immediately fell in love with it. This song is something that I listen to when I'm angry at the world or just when I simply need a small boost because I find this song perfectly aggressive for those situations.
The message of this song is something you should really listen to and try to comprehend because it's very suitable at the moment and it can apply to several things depending on how you interpret it.
https://youtu.be/HBB37gsHJmQ
